Victoria Lawford

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7th April 2011

11:43am: This journal is not the journal you are looking for...
This journal is now open.




This journal is now open again. :) I am tired of hiding, and its about time I started posting more openly about things again!

So, welcome to Jayed's little corner of the madhouse!

4th March 2010

4:28pm: Kalvia's story
The younger Draenai sits, her legs curled up under body in a neat fashion, her hands holding a hot cup of wine.

‘A child?’ She questions the older female ‘You have a daughter?’ Her eyes widen and she purses her lips.

The white Draenai smiles and nods slowly, her eyes down cast, her fingers idly twisting an ice throne into pulp.

‘How’ Frake obviously shocked by this news blurts out the first thing which comes to mind.

‘When a male wants sex, he takes a woman and..’ Tana starts smiling slightly at Frake ‘You are innocent dear, but not that naive I am sure. During my slavery there were owners who did not care of the outcome of their lust. Some would feed us herbs, nasty dangerous things which…’ she pauses for a moment ‘My daughter was with one of the kinder owners, he cared about his harem like none of the others did. He loved us in his own way, and even though I did not want to be there, I was grateful to him for his kindness, we all were. My daughter is his, he loved her, she was his only child. Sadly he was killed, and my daughter taken from my arms… I was then..’ her eyes mist over, the sudden lack of concentration causing the throne in her hands to stab her painfully.

The two women sit in silence for a moment, Tana sucks on her finger to stop the bleeding.

‘You miss her?’ Frake finally breaks the silence, her hands resting on her lap as she watches her older sisters face.

Tana smiles slightly again, removing the finger from her mouth and looking at the drop of red contrasting to her white skin ‘She is dead’ the words spoken slowly, with no emotion, shadows flickering around her body, shrouding her in darkness. ‘She was ripped from her fathers arms, he was forced to watch them do horrible, unspeakable things to us, and then, we were forced to watch as they ripped him apart’ the shadows dance around her, her eyes glowing embers in that black darkness. ‘Her name was Kalvia’


-0-

The young female sits by her Masters hooves, her eyes shining with joy watching him teach the class. She is his favourite and every now and then she caught him looking at her. She drank in every detail of him, his armour, his hands, his weapon. He was massive, even for a male, his hair tied back in a neat plat, his body ridged as he spoke.

‘That ends the lesson today class’ He draws his sword ‘go out and practice with your weapon skills, the Light will not stand idle while the Darkness sleeps’ He bows before the class, and as one his students stand, and file out. Kalvia lingers behind, before slipping out, not following the class.

She closes her eyes, feeling Jadaar’s arms around her, his sent filling her senses. She smiles leaning back into his warm arms, ‘Am I to get a private lesson now’ she turns to him, smiling, her lips meeting his, her eyes closing in pleasure at the kiss.

-0-

Standing my the wreak, Kalvia opens her eyes, the smell and sights assaulting her. The young Paladin strides forward, stepping over the chaired bodies towards the pod. She was one of the few who did not crash here, but eager to help out, and her lover dishonoured, she felt that she had to do something, anything. This task would take her mind of recent events, bring her closer to the light, to the Naaru, and maybe find her some answers.

23rd February 2010

4:58pm: Creative!
The young Draenai sits on the floor, her hooves tucked neatly under her body, her eyes filling with tears as she holds up a broken Naaru toy. In the corner of this small room, others are huddled, talking in whispers, they are scared, but the little child does not realise this, her toy is broken, and in hope she looks to the adults and holds up her broken toy.

‘I broke him’ she stammers, her bottom lip trembling and tears starting to flow from her bright eyes ‘I broke M'uru.. Tana help’ she looks up to the pale Draenai woman, who ignores the child continuing heated, hushed discussions with the other’s in the room.

The Child, not understanding what is going on, frowns.. her pain at braking her toy obvious and feeling ignored she starts to cry, screaming for attention. The adults turn to silence the child, knowing too well the danger they are in. Only the screams penetrate the walls, and the creatures outside turn their twisted eyes onto the hidden door way and force their way inside.

-0-

The child wakes up, slowly blinking staring at the brightest light she had ever seen, its soft singing reassuring her that she was safe. Shaking from a nightmare, Frake gathers her blanket around her, shaking her head, as if trying to shake the images from her mind. The Naaru turns his attention to her, the subtle changes in his song a question, his thoughts in her mind, calming and removing the memories he does not want her to see. Only O'ros knows that the time will come when the young woman before him must do more than cry out in her sleep.

-o-

Frake sits in the warm waters of the late, her body naked, droplets of water shining like diamonds on her pale blue skin, her mind is elsewhere and she does not hear the sound of booted feet behind her. Suddenly there is a hand in her hair, pulling her head back, and before she can scream her mouth is covered by that of another, his kiss gentle and loving.

‘Matis” Frake screams grabbing a towel to cover her self ‘What are you doing here? We might be seen!’

The young blood elf grins, having seen the forbidden fruit and playfully tugs at Frakes blanket. ‘I’ve not seen you in ages Frake, I needed to see you, he moves in closer to kiss her once more, and the young woman does not pull away from him.

Only young love hardly goes smoothly and in the shadow of the Tempest Keep the young couple are unaware of the evil which has turned its eyes to the world.

-o-

‘What do you mean I can not see him anymore?’ A stamp of a hoof tells the Elders that Frake is not happy ‘we have done nothing wrong, ask O’ros, I am still his’ She glares at the older men around her, their faces a mask of disapproval. ‘Perhaps the child is right’ one of them states, matter of fact ‘Their love could form the basis of an alliance, in this time of hate, some love is needed’.

The chiming of the Naaru silences them, M’uru twists and turns, communicating with those gathered, they listen and solemnly nod to each other.

‘Frake, you are forbidden to see Matis again’

Anger etched on her face, Frake turns to leave, her tail lashing angrily.

-o-

At the same in, in another building, Kael'thas slaps the young blood elf across the face ‘You are not to see that bitch again’ he snarls at the young Matis, who glares back at him. ‘Can’t you see, she is making you week, they are only good as fodder for our weapon training’ The older elf turns on his heels, his arms folded. ‘There is a way’ he turns to face Matis a slight smile crossing his perfect features ‘ bring me M’uru and she will be yours’

-o-

As the sun is setting, the young Frake sits in a tree, hidden in its branches she waits for Matis to arrive. Despite being ordered not to see him again, she ignored those commands, the Elders, she thought, old and stayed in their ways, they did not understand love, and she loved Matis, more than anything else. She could not wait for the day when O’ros would free her and she could leave his service.

Lost in thought, she failed to see the Orcs under her tree, pointing at her, having spotted their pray. She was too slow to escape when they dragged her down to the ground, laughing at her as she valiantly attempted to escape, prepared for a night of fun, the leader did not realise that the arrow had penetrated his brain, and as his body fell to the ground his men looked up in surprise, only to be cut down by Matis and his troops.

Gathering the shaking Frake in his arms, he smoothes over her hair, ‘We need to take you to the Naaru my dear’ he whispers to her, knowing full well that she will lead him to M’uru.

-o-

‘No!’ She screams, the pain causing her body to convulse in agony, the hooks in the Naaru digging into it, turning its pure white form grey, then black ‘Stop’! She reaches for him, and Matis turns to her laughing ‘Don’t you understand Frake.. I did this for you, so that we could be as one’. The singing of the Naaru dies, as it shatters on the floor, and Frake’s lifeless body follows.

-o-

Frake sits perfectly still, the small baby in her arms grabbing at her hair and pulling it painfully.
‘Tell us again about Argus’ one of the children at her feet pipes up hopefully, the Matron frowns at the child ‘You know Frake only came to measure you all up for new clothing, and its now late and she has to go’ The children stand, and one by one leave the young priest and the now sleeping child alone. ‘They mean well’ the matron says gathering the baby, who shifts slightly in his sleep. Frake smiles and nods ‘I know, they are looking for reassurance, after all, this is a new world for us, they must be scared’

With the night falling, she pulls her cloak around her and sets of into the night; the moon is full, and the night air full of strange sounds. Shaking her head, she strides forward only to stop; someone is in front of her.

‘Well well well’ The voice cruel, but familiar to her ‘What have we here, a single Draenai alone at night’ The blood elf steps forward, others stepping out of the shadows, and grabbing Frakes arms ‘Another toy for me to play with’ he pulls back her hood stops dead. ‘Matis’ she gasps his fist flying into her face.

For how long she was his prisoner, she did not know, confined to a cage, or taken out and tortured by him the days and nights became meaningless, her life one long nightmare of pain. He would come to her, kiss her, sit with her, love her, dress her wounds.. only a few hours later to return angry and full of rage, a hot knife in his hands, or a whip. Others he killed, but Frake he could not quite ever bring himself to do so. And so, she thought that she would end her days his prisoner. He would come to her, tell her he loved her, of the deal he had made, how she had betrayed her Naaru, how he was now in Silvermoon his life force feeding those who needed it. His torture was physical and emotional; he took pleasure in her pain.

But that changed. Her cage door was opened, and she cowered in fear of the whip, only a hand reached in to take hers, a friendly set of arms held her up as she stumbled out, water was passed her, small amounts of food. Hands, warm and firm dressed her wounds, but the face of her hero was covered; only his red hair could be seen. He took the poor wounded Frake out, and under cover of darkness returned her to O’ros.

8th October 2009

4:19pm: OMGZ
http://www.loveneverdies.com/

The Phantom returns!!!!!!!


OMGZ

5th October 2009

11:04am: Morning everyone. I have decided to make some more public entries and update again.

Today is my birthday, 37 years ago I was born! YAY (LOL).

What did I get:-

Playmobil.









I got the Twlight Zone box set and book, littlest pet shop, a pottery wall thing with a Hooppee bird on, a Port Merion Bowl. David drew me the icon in my user pick of Frake..:)


On WOW Raz gave me some black roses (he gives Frake a rose a day), a train set (which was soul bound).

-------------------

Weekend update, I got drunk on Saturday night, really really drunk. So drunk that I ran 8 instances and could not see anything! It was apparently really funny, though I had a discussion about my sex life with someone, spammed the voice chat all night, could not find the door to kite monsters through, apparently is was funny and anything. David took the bottle of wine of me at one point (though there was hardly anything left in it). I was so drunk, I can not remember much about the night at all!

Luckly Des was not on, or he would have been spammed to death as I would have drunkenly told him I loved him or something! I almost spammed Hanzer, but just as I was about to whisper him I remembered that he was in my party..

Yes, in the morning Frake woke up with lots of random items in her bags...

So saturday night was fun.

Saturday I created a Death Knight, it was fun, but hard work, so I have a DK now which I won't be playing much.

My Lock, Kartush got to do some RP which was nice. Pitty her friend Jard is not around anymore, its dull doing quests on my own.. I might perswade Hanzers alt to come on and boost her..:P


Sunday was fun as well, I went to a beach with David for a while, which was nice. We had Mc'donalds for breakfast (LOL).

Then onto WOW for two heroic instance runs with Pel. First one went really really well, we wiped once or twice, but nothing serious and its a learning experience, we then went on to do another which is really hard, and we did it..:)

Later I went back down TOC and we managed it on normal, but heroic killed us. Its so random, I have ran it twice heroic before that with no problems!

But Sunday on WOW was nice as well.
---------------------

Tonight I am going out for a meal, and then onto WOW for some more stuff, I need to get some gems and do some dalies for money!:)

21st March 2009

11:26pm: Wow...
I need a WOW Icon.

I'm waiting for David to do a quest, so thought I would update you all on WOW stuff,,




Frake got herself a boyfriend.. Alright he could not object because he was a prisoner and a bad guy (but so cute).




Frake and her 'sister' in front of the moon...:)

20th January 2009

3:10pm: RIP Grandad Morris
On the 20th Jan, 1996 my Grandad Morris passed away.

He had a stroke in Dec 1995, and he never fully recovered. My strong grandad became bed ridden and afraid in his last month of life.

I saw him while he was in the hospital and he could not speak, only look at me and with his actions tell me he could understand and knew who I was, we cried, we held hands.. it was very very sad to see such a large man so scared.

Here was a man who had lost 3 children during the war, lost his wife and now... one was losing his life. He told me in December 05, weeks before his stroke that he was dying, that he would drown, and it was phenomina which killed him in the end (water on the lungs).

Apparently Father Kennedy had come to give him the last rites, and Grandad did not want him near him.

He died at about 16:00 on the Saturday afternoon. I was staying with freinds at the time (I use the term freinds, but they were not), and my mother called me to tell me. I cried, the friends did not care. We went out that night and collected my sister (Diane), and we got drunk and cried. At the funeral I put a letter in the coffin for him and Grandma Morris, I hope it was burned with him.

The funeral was a typical catholic one, hours long for nothing. I saw my Grandad in his coffin, two men helped him out and they walked up through the church looking at the people, and then he called for my Grandmother and was gone.

At the crematorum it took 8 men to carry the coffin (he was a big man), and I wanted to throw myself onto the coffin, to hide it, to steal it away, to protect him from death.

I don't remember how I got to the funeral now, I met my parents, we went, and I came home.. alone.

My Grandad Morris, Thomas Morris, was a great man, typical bloke he did not always show his emotions, but he cared for us. At my Dads funeral Grandad Morris was there for him, though Dad had gone.

I miss him, though I feel him around, sometimes smelt him. I miss him still. Thomas is (obviously) named after him, he would have loved that!

-------------------

18th January 2009

10:41pm: RIP Grandma Lawford
18th Jan 1984 my Grandmother Lawford passed from this world to the next. She died of bowl cancer, honest, not an over does of morphine... officaly it was bowl cancer, unofficaly it was morphine.

But suddenly I realised something important. I was a child when she passed, I was a child when I had a relationship with her. She would look after us every weekend while my mother worked and my father was out, she would keep us locked in her house, or garden and I never understood why..

That was until tonight.

My Grandmother had another son, Kenneth Markey. He died at 14, he jumped into a river to save a dog which had been tied to a raft and left to drown. My Grandmother never got over this, her husband had gone back to the US and she was alone. Shortly after he died she re-married and adopted my father, one David Goodwin. She changed his name to Kenneth, attempted to change his birthday as well (he used to joke that like the queen he had two birthdays).

So, Grandma Lawford, you have now gone. You waited for your son to be re-turned to you and he has been. I now understand why you were like you were, and I wish you to know that I love you, respect you and miss you.

====================

Grandma Morris. You were the one person I trusted in this world, a guiding light. You passed away to the West, and I miss you greatly.

I wanted to tell you that I am sorry. When you got cancer we were told that you were cured, we were not told that it was uncureable, nor that it had come back. You lived for 2 years knowing that you were dying, while we children ran rings around you and carried on as if nothing was wrong. I am sorry that I made you angry when we would hassle you for your 'drinks', we did not know that that was all you could eat at that point in your life. We did not know the pain we were causing by asking you.

It was only a few months ago that I was told the truth, and suddenly alot of things made sense, but as a child I did not understand, I could not understand how you were feeling, I had no idea. It is now as an adult with the full facts that I understand. You were dying and we were demanding your food, your life. What we thought was a game... was your life and you were dealing with such a horrible situation.

24th December 2008

7:45pm: I wish it could be christmas every day...
Or not.

This year I have been effected by the people and the world around me. Many people this christmas will not be celebrating, they will not be sitting by a fire. For many people, this year they lost their jobs, some lost thier homes and families.

So, I pray for everyone who is on the streets this christmas, those struggling with the news of a loss of job, for those who face the new year with uncertaincy and fear. I ask Anubis to guide them onwards into the light of the new year, I pray that Isis looks after the families, I pray that Set turns his attention to helping them through this time, strengh and growth comes from fear and uncertainty.

I wish that I had had the courage to do something tomorrow for those people, that I had had the courage to go and volunteer somewhere.

Instead we sold something on Ebay and donated the money to Unicef, namely the 'Long way down' appeal which helps girls who have been forced into armies, as slaves and when they escape they have nothing.

So, at least we did something.

4th November 2008

11:21am: Words... I don't have the words
I am currently doing my family history, okay there is no current about it, I've been doing it for years and years.

A few days ago I found that one of my family groups were on the titanic, now I need to find out how they fit in with me, they are more than likely cusions of some sort of other, perhaps even my Grandfathers family?... I won't know until I do more research.

The Goodwins are my biological family, and because of the fact that I know little about them they were last on my list of people to research..

So, it is a branch of the Goodwin family who were on the Titanic. Their ship was canceled due to coal shortages and they were put into 3rd class on the Titanic. They all died.

This hurts me, I know that they are biologically close to me because I feel the same way I did when my Dad died, I hurt, I feel physical pain. I don't feel that when I see the name Morris on the list, I feel courious as to how that Morris fits mine, but I don't feel pain.

I also found out the following:-

One of the first bodies recovered by the cable ship Mackay-Bennett was of that of a small fair haired boy. The sailors involved in the expedition were so moved that when no relative came forward to claim the child, they personally escorted the child's coffin to Fairview Lawn Cemetery in Halifax and paid for a large monument in memory of the "unknown child". (His was the only burial service that day - 4 May 1912). In 2002 the body previously identified only as "the unknown child" was positively idenified as Eino Viljami Panula by means of DNA technology, in 2007 the researchers revised their opinion and stated that the body was in fact that of Sidney Goodwin.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sidney_Leslie_Goodwin

Wow... just wow...

As a child I was fansinated by the Titanic, My Dad was as well. I understand why now.

So, I now have to find that link and see...

16th October 2008

8:03pm: Manchester tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is the 17th. Strangely enough a woman I work with, her sister died on the 17th October 2005. She passed in her sleep, she had cancer and no know knew. So tomorrow she will be feeling the same pain I am feeling.

Candles have been lit, my shrine is full of light at the moment, cup of tea is there and my window in my living room has a candle in it as well. Candles light the way for the soul and today I feel that it is important to reach out and guide Dad.

I was talking to David about Dad, and suddenly I realised that he was close. He said that he was sad that he had to go, and he did not want to cause me pain (they all say that don't they), there was more but I honestly can't remember now... I guess that I was channeling, sorry if that sounds odd or strange. I said alot of things, but I can't remember it. But Dad was there, nearby and talking to me.

When I was in my shrine I took the photo of Dad off the ancestor shrine and put it onto the main shrine. I came back in with the cup of tea, and I almost fell over! The power, the spirit coming out of there was really strong. So I placed the cup of tea on the shrine and looked up to the ancestor shrine, to be suddenly asked "Why is my mother not there?". Dad asked why his mother was not part of my shrine, I tried to think.. is it because she is not blood related.. nope, Om Setti is there.. So why is she not there? Tomorrow I will find a picture of her and put it as part of my shrine.

So tomorrow is visit the family day. Fly down to Manchester, visit Mum, visit Dad, visit Liz and Delcan, fly home. Emotional and busy day!

:)

Miss you Dad, love you and can not wait till I see you again.

13th October 2008

1:25pm: As always the Netjer speak
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know

But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay

Author Unknown
11:37am: A public entry
Wow..

You know whats strange, if you search for my Dad one of the things which comes up is a page he created wishing his Darts Teams luck.

Its sad, its like a ghost of my Dad reaching out. Its a place I go to sometimes when I miss him, just to feel closer to him (I recon that the page will be taken down in a few days after I have posted this).

Its like opening a book and finding a letter in it from your loved one, its comforting that their presence is still out there.

Of course, I have photo's, I have letters, I have video of him (one of the first memories to go is the sound of the voice, but I have a video of Dad, while he was in hosptial, willing all his worldly goods to me..:) Its sweet, but not something I have watched in recent years though). Those little touches become important to us as time passes. A photo is a static thing, its an image, but a letter is something They touched, a video is the sound of their voice, the webpage something they felt passionatley about, as if the person is reaching out to us. These are valuable links to the past, to the person they were and not the memory we construct.

I have a pair of Dad's glasses, he left them at my flat when he was visiting, I have a cig but he discarded (trust me he did that alot), I have his keyring, I use it all the time now, a reminder of what a good driver Dad was, its old and battered but its mine, those are little things which mean so much, esp since I have so little of his. I have the grumpybear I gave him while he was in hosptial, that bear saw so much and comforted Dad. I caught him one hugging it and crying, I can not look at that bear anymore, but it is tucked in the bed and when I reach out at night in my sleep I find myself holding it.

Then there is the music, the sounds which Dad liked. ELO, Cat Stevens, War of the Worlds. How can I listen to them without crying? Truth is I can't. I managed to get through Morning has Broken once and I suddenly understood why it ment so much to Dad, ELO some songs make me cry, and War of the Worlds.. Well since seeing it live (someting Dad wanted to do), its lost alot of its emotion for me.


So, Friday will be 3 years since he passed away, according to what I was told it was peacefull, though he was more than likely on morphine then so it would have been! There are so many unanswered questions, and I will not be able to find peace until I can either find the answers or come to terms with the fact that there are no answers, not now anyway. I want to know who came for him, who did he see out of the window? Who was the woman at his funeral with the long brown hair?

Questions I know I will find the answer to one day.

Anyway, this is becoming a long public post, and I am at work and not wanting to cry my eyes out.

Love you always Dad, I will never forget the last time I saw you alive how you clung onto me and cried, how you pulled yourself up in your chair and looked so proud and determinded.

I know I will see you soon.

30th July 2008

4:24pm: Writer's Block: On Your Tombstone

What do you want written on your gravestone and why?

First question listed was submitted by sharky123 . (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

View 503 Answers



Honestly, I don't know. I am going to be cremated so I won't have tombstone, but I also want my ashes built into a coral reaf, so there will be something on there..

This is hard, not something I have ever thought about.
Here in lies Victoria Mary Lawford-Donachie.
She who is not afraid of death,
who welcomed the end with open arms.
Now seves wtih Anubis to guide the spirits of the dead to their final resting place,
pray you don't see her any day soon.

On my Dad's stone I had 'Kenneth Lawford, died 17th October 2005, went to button moon'..:)

4th June 2008

4:55pm: Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it
A public entry.

Well, recap. A month ago I went for an ultrasound scan, it picked up a 'lobulated lymph node', nothing to worry about, could be anything, but they (the NHS) take these things seriously, and so I was referred to a Dr. The Dr referred me for an urgent CT scan.

CT (or CAT) scan happened last week. Well I had two of them, the person in charge wanted to do a full scan. I knew something was up from the look on his face, but I convinced myself that it was nothing, that he just wanted to make sure he got everything. I KNEW there was one lump to investigate, so I assumed that it was in a slightly different place than expected.

Today I went for the results.

Dr Penman asked me a million and one questions, then examined me. Then he told me (and showed me the CT scan).

Sure enough the lump was still there.. and another, and another... and yet another.. It appears that a massive % of my lymph nodes in my admonen are cancerous. The one behind my liver is large, there is one behind my esophagus (well more than one), which is a MASSIVE 3 CM!!!!!! They also run behind my heart. Some are small, mere mm in size, others are large, the 3 CM is one of the biggest. No wonder I have been having problems eating with that pressing on my esophagus.

So, there you are peeps, Ms Lawford has cancer, well we will know 100% and know what kind of lymphma I have in a weeks time, since on Friday I am off to the ERI to have an emergancy biopsy done.

Its not as simple as I thought, since I assumed there was only one lump, and there are many, so its not a case of cutting them out and a bit of chemo and thats it, its a case of massive amounts of chemo. Still, it has a good chance of survival, but that is no comfort to me right now (its the treatment I am scared of not death), since months of chemo is not going to be nice, and I have to live with the evil, nasty, evil cancer growing in me... you know how horrible that feels, to have something which is slowly killing (which if untreated it would do) you growing inside you. One of my biggest fears was getting cancer...

Thats really it for today.

27th May 2008

11:30am: CT (CAT) Scan over
Well its done.

Or I should say they are done..:/

I got there early, drank alot of water and waited.. then the nurse came and took me in, I had warned them that I don't like needles and that I have funny veins, so they got the Dr to do it. It hurt alittle bit and for the first time I looked away, I normaly watch. This helped, since the size of the needle is what scares me with lines/drips.

So, that in I waited a few more mins and then was taken (after chaning into a gown) into the CT room. The CT Scanner is a big polo mint with a table in it, its quite big and scarey looking. I had to lie down and put my arms over my head. They then moved the table up (I got alittle bit scared at that point) and ran it through the polo mint.:) The nurse then gave me the contrast fluid which is very very warm. When it hit my lungs it was like fire, then it hit my bladder and it was like fire! Apparently they warm the fluid up, so it was not that comfortable but alright.

Then the scan happened, deep breath in, hold, breath normaly while going through the polo mint. Not that uncomfortable, more interesting..:) You can see the machinery going round and it was cool. It sounded and looked like I was in a StarGate!

So, that over, I had to wait 10 mins to make sure I was alright, needle was taken out and I was chatting to the nurse saying that this is a once in a lifetime thing... SUDDENLY the Dr appeared and told me I needed to have it done again! They wanted to get more CT scan.:/

So, back in I went only this time it lasted for about 5 mins, they did a massive scan!<-- This concerns me alittle bit. I wonder what they saw...

Then I really was done and I left. Felt sick, almost threw up.. cried with David and am at work.

Follow up appointment for results is Wednesday next week.

---
Edit:-
There was a very odd moment, lying there, I wondered how Dad felt when he had his CT scan done. I wondered if he was aware of what was happening, did he fight (it is quite scarey when you go through the polo mint) what was going through his mind.. How much did he understand..

Strange, that in such an odd place that I would re-connect with my Father and go through something he went through shortly before he died.

15th May 2008

9:44pm: Kartush is not eating, and another picture
Kartush is not eating, its been a week now. She is active, but not interested in food. Of course, we changed the light times so it might be that she was too cold... but we will see.

We are going away for the weekend, so if she does not eat tomorrow she will not be fed until Tuesday.

-------------

Another photo!
This is PooPoochan, a White faced scops owl. It did not like David very much..



I liked me even less




It changes shape. When it sees an owl which is bigger than it, it becomes thin and evil. When it sees an owl which is the same size as it, it becomes BIG AND MASSIVE. Apparently I was the only person who it went big for, everyone else (ie the 18 of us who visited there) only saw it go evil and small.

I am so cool! I knew exactly what to do to get it to puff up. Strangely though, most of the time I was alone with it it looked like this (normal):-


29th April 2008

5:51pm: RIP... unknown man
Today there was an accident. A cyclist was knocked off his bike and killed. This happened not 1 min away from where I work.

I went out at lunch time, and the streets were closed, it was strange, no traffic.

I wandered down the street to where the accident happened (I was going that way), hte road was closed off and they were taking down the tent. The road was covered in water and detergent...:( I almost cried.

On the way back I was so overcome by emotion that I prayed to the Netjer to guide his soul, and I even did a *small* henu in the street. It was sad, really sad to stand and know that 4 hours ago a man lost his life and all that was left was water and soap.. that water had washed away the blood, washed away a life, a life of a 35 yr old man.

:(

28th April 2008

12:14pm: More tests me thinks
Well I had my scan of doom this morning. I don't think I have ever seen a nurse run out of the room so fast or with so many scan pictures in my life!

She did the whole works, measured everything (Spleen, Kidney. liver), poked me in places I did not want to be poked and did not really say much.

She could not find any reason why my GGT levels are high, but she did find lobulated liver mass/es on the outside of my liver. I have to wait a week for the results to come in, and so I have an appointment with Dr Grey on Tuesday (next Tuesday).

What does a lobulated liver mass/es mean?.. Who knows. She could not get a good enough scan to see what they were, but they could be caused by a million and one things (some bad, some not so bad). So probley a MRI or CAT scan and/or bioposy next to see what is wrong. She explained that a ultrasound scan is not brilliant and she can not always see everything.

I guess Dr Grey will also tell me if my kidneys are fine as well and if I have two of them (apparently the majority of women who have bi-cornuate wombs only have one kidney, go figure).

So another week of waiting and waiting... Will update you all on this on Tuesday the 6th!!

26th April 2008

6:22pm: Its Dr Who time...
Joy.

Anyway, today guess what I picked up.

25th Anniversary OLD STYLE MLP's, in the UK!!:) I got the set with Minty in, and for the record they have China 2007 on their hooves.

They are the Spanish box, so obviously not from the UK... I don't believe they were released in the UK.

So score for me.

:)

Only £9.99 as well.

Ohh I also picked up the purple real eye LPS spider!:) So cute.. so CUTE!!!

25th April 2008

9:47pm: Grand theft Auto
Yes, a million years behind everyone else we are playing it. I objected to the game, on grounds of the language and violence.

David has been pushing for this game, and since in the Changling LARP I am playing the Boss of Rockstar North, and I pass it every day on the way home.. claim to fame the Rockstar north office is 5 mins down the road from here, he decided that I should play it.. or at least watch it.

Its been on for 15 mins.. OMGZ more swearing that I do in the average day!!

Everyone is dead Jim... DEAD JIM!!

I tried to get David to tail gate the police on his bike, but he was not able to control it that well (ha)

"My car moves itself while I go shoping'.

Ohh now David is dead!!!! WASTED!!! Fun game.. not sure!
11:13am: Its me:)
Yahoo! Avatars U.K. & Ireland

24th April 2008

7:57pm: I am rather stressed today. (public entry)
Today I am stressed. I am in alot of pain and uncomfortable.

On WTF_Nature, someone posted the Hog nose, very very cute pictures, so I went looking for my Kartush pictures. I found a picture of my Dad and Thomas standing infront of the MLP's in Blackpool. At work I stared and tried not to cry. Last night I stumbled upon my dead dad photo, and I stared at that..

I am overly emotional at the moment, hense the pain I am in, its partly physical and partly emotional.

Life makes no sense sometimes.

I was reading today about colourfull coffins. An icecream man died, and his coffin was painted with icecreams, his van lead the procession and people at the funeral ate magum icecreams:) How cool is that.

I have also decided that in a few years I want to train as a Celebrant, a Humanist Celebrant. The problem is that I am not Humanist, since I have a Faith.. but I agree with their principles:-

1. Humanism is ethical. It affirms the worth, dignity and autonomy of the individual and the right of every human being to the greatest possible freedom compatible with the rights of others. Humanists have a duty of care to all of humanity including future generations. Humanists believe that morality is an intrinsic part of human nature based on understanding and a concern for others, needing no external sanction.

2. Humanism is rational. It seeks to use science creatively, not destructively. Humanists believe that the solutions to the world's problems lie in human thought and action rather than divine intervention. Humanism advocates the application of the methods of science and free inquiry to the problems of human welfare. But Humanists also believe that the application of science and technology must be tempered by human values. Science gives us the means but human values must propose the ends.

3. Humanism supports democracy and human rights. Humanism aims at the fullest possible development of every human being. It holds that democracy and human development are matters of right. The principles of democracy and human rights can be applied to many human relationships and are not restricted to methods of government.

4. Humanism insists that personal liberty must be combined with social responsibility. Humanism ventures to build a world on the idea of the free person responsible to society, and recognises our dependence on and responsibility for the natural world. Humanism is undogmatic, imposing no creed upon its adherents. It is thus committed to education free from indoctrination.

5. Humanism is a response to the widespread demand for an alternative to dogmatic religion. The world's major religions claim to be based on revelations fixed for all time, and many seek to impose their world-views on all of humanity. Humanism recognises that reliable knowledge of the world and ourselves arises through a continuing process. of observation, evaluation and revision.

6. Humanism values artistic creativity and imagination and recognises the transforming power of art. Humanism affirms the importance of literature, music, and the visual and performing arts for personal development and fulfilment.

7. Humanism is a lifestance aiming at the maximum possible fulfilment through the cultivation of ethical and creative living and offers an ethical and rational means of addressing the challenges of our times. Humanism can be a way of life for everyone everywhere.

Humanism takes Gods out of the picture, which is my problem. BUT I would never impose my views on anyone, and I want to help people not convert them.


My Dads funeral was not forfilling, not comforting for me. No one is to blame for that, Dad would have thought it was right and proper, and Anubis was there which gave me some comfort and Grandad was there as well which was amazing!!:) Singing to Morning has Broken was fun and did bring comfort, but the God this and God that did nothing for me, but it was Christian and that would have been what Dad would have wanted.

Let me state again for those reading, no one is to blame for my feelings over this and I don't seek to blame anyone, why would I?


I am just overly emotional at the moment, and I miss Dad so much. I guess I always will miss him, that pain will never go away. I am proud of my Dad, what he did, lives he was involved with...



Hey the co-codimal I have taken is kicking in.. wow..


Last night I had a strange dream. I was at the Dr's and I found a note which said that I had cloting blood and I needed to have that fixed before I could have chemo. I guess that Monday is on my mind, what will the scan show...

23rd April 2008

10:10pm: Mad Max here we come!!
Well the strike is going ahead, so that means that Grangemouth, which I have now found out is the ONLY oil refinery in Scotland, is going to close for 2 days, which will cause massive petrol shortages. Add to that people panic buying and we have petrol at £1.30 a litre (which is about $3.00). No offence here, but I want to shout at the US people who bemoan the cost of petrol.. its what... $4.00 a gallon?... We pay over double that here.

So I am leaving my car on a half tank, and hopefully everything will be sorted out in a few days and we can go to Mull.

Mad, madmad! Add to that that teachers are going on strike, food shortages are happening across the world.. I see the end is nigh!

19th April 2008

5:28pm: Floation tanks
Today I had my first taste at flotation. For those who don't know, basically you go into a tank of water, which is heated to body temp and is full of salts, and you float in the dark (or light) for an hour or so. Its really relaxing, though as David said 'sensory deprivation is a form of torture!'

The place I went to was not that nice, it was pretty run down (the inside of the tank needed cleaning and the paint was peeling off), so I had problems relaxing. It was interesting though, the feeling of weightlessness is interesting, not knowing if your eyes are closed or open (its that dark), not knowing if your dead or alive..

But it was interesting. I had two visions, in the second one I was floating down the canals in Venice, it was really nice. The first one I was holding a hollowed out tree and inside it was a 2 ft slater, which changed into a witchetty grub (2ft one) and then a beetle with long legs.. I remember holding the witchetty grub and wondering 'My mind must be really messed up'..

All in all would go again, but might not go there!
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